Click

You know what I miss most?

Writing posts about life.

Sometimes you get to caught up trying to seize what's ahead of you and secure your future that you did not stop for a second and take a glance at your surrounding. It is surreal when you realize that everything could vanish within split seconds. How did I come to realize this? I was driving the other day and I notice that there was a huge ass lorry next to me speeding. My demon spoke and said, "If you were to steer right and crash into the lorry, your life would end. All the so-called pains and sufferings, any relationships - families, friends, pets, the future, my dinner; won't be there waiting for me. It would all just end." That made me realize that every second matters. People keep saying that time moves oh so fast when in reality, we are trying so hard to go into full throttle and fast forward ahead in life and skip the bitter parts. Those bitter parts will make you who you are, so skipping them wouldn't be enjoyable now wouldn't it? I know this sounds like the movie "Click" but our life is so important, hence, we should cherish it and live it to the fullest.

Now comes the more important question. Since life is too precious, and to certain extent, can be short for someone, what should we do with it? I, for one, think that to live a wholesome life, is to make an impact. Be it big or small. For every person I get to cheer up, that's an accomplishment. But in order for me to make everyone else happy, I must be happy. If not, I'd be a hypocrite. My happiness comes in a form of gratitude. I have been facing inner conflicts and they were ugly. But when you opt into gratuitousness, you'll understand the purpose to your creation and your roles on this planet. We're all slaves to something be it a higher being, money, fame or science, I have never stop reminding myself with that fact. It is whom you choose to become your master will determine the siraat for your life. So choose wise.

May Allah guide us all.

p e n a n g

When you are so used to paint a picture of what’s in your mind in words, it gets hard to not get back to square one. Like they said, old habits die hard. My habit isn’t bad, it just needs consistency particularly from my side. With three months holiday, and the possibility of me not taking short semester, I have a lot of time to spare. And those time won’t be wasted on solely sleeping. Some of the time will also be utilized to blog (if people still use the term).

Anyway, during my recent trip to Penang, I noticed that even though Penang is relatively small (in comparison to the entire Peninsular Malaysia), there is still a highly perceptible wealth gap that exists. My family and I stayed in Georgetown and we drove pass Gelugor, Kelawei, Gurney Drive and many others and all of us agreed that Penang reminded us of Singapore. Especially in Jelutong, you can see many apartments, condominiums and shopping malls that are really nice or in the words, sebijik macam kat KL. You know that people who live there are of medium to high socio-economic status.

Maybe I was being ignorant and did not really care to delve into the other part of Penang because when you go to Penang, who cares about anything else, what matters is food, food and MORE FOOD. This post won’t be about the glorious nasi kandar in Penang. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do enough justice to the Penangites. Instead, I will talk about the observation that I did while my dad drove up to Batu Feringghi then to Teluk Bahang and Balik Pulau. (Observation – sounds very scientific eh?)

Batu Feringghi was nice, Shamrock beach was lovely and the place is definitely a relax haven for tourists and locals alike. Teluk Bahang was filled with winding roads and durians along the way. I got a mild car sick but I didn’t want to sleep because I want to see it all. Who knows maybe something cool happens along the way? Hence why I didn’t do. I was kiasu, am still kiasu (but it’s not extreme though). So after a long drive up and down the curve and bends, I notice that there were an awful lot of flats and apartments that are in bad conditions. Like with mold and the building looked really old. Some of the houses also looked like they need repairing, pronto. Some houses were left abandoned. No shopping malls. Heck, it’s even hard for you to find a mini mart there.

This is not the side of Penang that I thought had existed. Well, maybe they did in the past, but not now, since Georgetown is well-developed. But the truth is, it’s not. It’s just another city-suburban disparity that you get in most developed states in Malaysia. It was a surprise for me because Penang occupies a small area hence why I thought that it should be possible for everyone in Penang to at least live comfortably in a nice house. But it’s not.

I think I need more analysis to this but I feel lazy now. Maybe some other time. 

Peace.

1_15

It just sucks not having someone to talk to at night. Being all alone; in the dark. Hearing your every breath at the other end but here I am just wandering off with my dark thoughts. It’s unfair how I manage to stay up with you for all those nights that you can’t sleep. It’s also unfair for you to put up with all the hard times I’ve put you through.

I wish you could stay awake with me. For once. Talk about everything we can with each other. Get to know each other more. I should be able to understand the different circumstances that we’re in. But sometimes I choose not to. For I long those endless meaningful conversations. Is that too much to ask for?

This is hard, for us. I get it.

I need to grow up. However, I refuse to. I am willing to wither away and drown in my fake sorrows because I’m that Emo.

In the meantime, I’ll be here. Waiting for you. 

I will follow you into the dark

I can never leave my blog to decay, There's always a time when I would feel the need to update a thing or two about my life as a reminder. Life has been pretty bumpy lately. Just last night we had a lengthy phone conversation about us, about the future, Somehow you have manage to give me a firm assurance and I am so grateful that you're in my life. You seriously are the best thing that I never knew I needed and the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Not only that, campus life has been very stressful. Deadlines closing in and yet here I am taking my sweet time with things. Writing research papers used to be fun. This semester, it doesn't feel that way at all. Probably because the topics handed to me were the ones that I'm left with and not my options in the very beginning. Debating life has been okay, I could see a progress even though it's slow, I am content.

Last weekend was when the convocation ceremony took place in IIUM and seeing people in their graduation robes made me feel a wee bit excited to graduate. On a side note, I am also glad that IIU's graduation robe is neat. However, thinking about life after graduation is unnerving.

I have told myself that I will beat the shit out of this semester and therefore I will try to do so.

Peace out.

ramadhan mubarak

It has been 165 days since my last post.
That is almost half a year.
Truly, I can never stop blogging. Taking long breaks in between posts, but I can never not update my blog at least once a year. Maybe someday I'll stop. Someday.

This post is not going to be on how disappointing my life is, or how suicidal I feel.
In fact, I am way past self-loathing, on my way to self-loving and loving others around me.

It's Ramadhan. I love the feeling that I get during this month.
I feel like I'm more calm and grateful. Something that I should definitely feel throughout the entire year.
Baby steps.

Life has been challenging, and Alhamdulillah, the hurdles that were in front of me- the ones that seemed intimidating and scary- I've made it through. Like a boss.
I've grown a lot these past couple of months.
Both spiritually and mentally.
I can feel it in my very bones.
So far so great.

Starting a new chapter in my life.
someone new.
It's a bit terrifying but I'm learning alright.
Learning to fall and not look below.
Praying that the land won't hurt me.
I'm sure if it's a good thing, it won't.

He knows what's best for me.

lepak

Today's the first day of my first semester break and i must say that things are pretty dull at home. I'm just sitting at home doing fat-nothing just because i feel like it. Honestly, i just don't care anymore. I don't mind not going out as long as i have my internet at home, it really is where the heart is. And family and my pets.

Last couple of days were a bit challenging for me I must say because I had to step out of my comfort zone and attend a class with people that I am unfamiliar with. But they all gave me a warm welcome and made me feel comfortable even though i am just a junior. I can't say i feel included all the time but i get it, when you get too comfortable with your friends, there's nothing you can't talk about, inside jokes between one another and memories. I totally get that. I loved the fact that they're really close to one another, almost like a family. When I screwed up my speech, they were all being very supportive and told me it's okay, that they had their experiences as well which made me feel okay. However, I am not okay with me screwing up, I'm just glad that they are being nice to me.

On a more serious note (not that i wasn't being serious before), debating is really something i want to pursue. I think i have what it takes to debate with other people, i just need to gather more info and find more examples in order to further substantiate my speech. Convincing and confident, something that i want to master as well. I like being around people who are way more better than i am because i like to improve myself. I like challenges, but i tend to breakdown sometimes, but i know everyone has problems too. It's just the matter of finding ways to overcome it.

i hate automatic sliding doors

no cheesy new year posts. no new years' resolution. nothing.
i have finals, that's what's up.

so i don't think i did well for my first paper. had to rush myself to write a full page essay, not fun.
and tomorrow i have another paper to sit for but here i am, writing or in other way, trying to complain about what went or is wrong with my life. how ungrateful.

i just need some time to clear my thoughts. let it all out. hence, my blog's name.
what i'd really love to do right now is to somehow take away all these pain that i have right now and throw it so far away. it is not fun to be unhealthy. and i clearly have no idea how to "eat" healthy. i know death will come sooner or later so i don't really feel the need to refrain myself from eating good and fattening foods.

so for my paper i have to write a prose tomorrow how cool is that. i already feel like a creative writing student. still have no idea what to write though. the typical me would go for emotions. i wrote an essay about what i felt last few months and i'm not even sure why. i guess that's the easiest way to write something, write from the heart. but this heart of mine is as empty as a house made of straws. one blow, everything falls. one thing though when writing something that is close to you, you are pretty much baring your naked emotions to your readers. that takes a lot of guts to do. that is why i have the highest respect for people who write based on their personal experience.

i'm not one for being emotional but lately, i find it easier for me to breakdown. to feel vulnerable. but that's okay. it's okay to cry because it's human nature. to release that deep and heavy pain from your chest and feel so much better afterwards. i am glad i know how to handle myself and my emotions. after being left out for so many times during my high school years, i've learnt to adapt. to be alone, to be with no one but myself. i am my own best friend. sometimes, when i feel that it's okay for me to finally put my trust in someone, something will happen, proving me that i'm wrong. yes, i have trust issues, in both girls and boys. i am broken, i am fragile, i won't deny it. however,  in uni, i feel blessed to have met some of the people i've met here, to get to interact with such people who inspired me so much. someone who is strong and confident, bold and brave, smart and meticulous, patient and kind-hearted. alhamdulillah. they've taught me so much within these few months. to be a better person, to love what i'm doing and be grateful with what i have.

i'm all smiles now.