i hate automatic sliding doors

no cheesy new year posts. no new years' resolution. nothing.
i have finals, that's what's up.

so i don't think i did well for my first paper. had to rush myself to write a full page essay, not fun.
and tomorrow i have another paper to sit for but here i am, writing or in other way, trying to complain about what went or is wrong with my life. how ungrateful.

i just need some time to clear my thoughts. let it all out. hence, my blog's name.
what i'd really love to do right now is to somehow take away all these pain that i have right now and throw it so far away. it is not fun to be unhealthy. and i clearly have no idea how to "eat" healthy. i know death will come sooner or later so i don't really feel the need to refrain myself from eating good and fattening foods.

so for my paper i have to write a prose tomorrow how cool is that. i already feel like a creative writing student. still have no idea what to write though. the typical me would go for emotions. i wrote an essay about what i felt last few months and i'm not even sure why. i guess that's the easiest way to write something, write from the heart. but this heart of mine is as empty as a house made of straws. one blow, everything falls. one thing though when writing something that is close to you, you are pretty much baring your naked emotions to your readers. that takes a lot of guts to do. that is why i have the highest respect for people who write based on their personal experience.

i'm not one for being emotional but lately, i find it easier for me to breakdown. to feel vulnerable. but that's okay. it's okay to cry because it's human nature. to release that deep and heavy pain from your chest and feel so much better afterwards. i am glad i know how to handle myself and my emotions. after being left out for so many times during my high school years, i've learnt to adapt. to be alone, to be with no one but myself. i am my own best friend. sometimes, when i feel that it's okay for me to finally put my trust in someone, something will happen, proving me that i'm wrong. yes, i have trust issues, in both girls and boys. i am broken, i am fragile, i won't deny it. however,  in uni, i feel blessed to have met some of the people i've met here, to get to interact with such people who inspired me so much. someone who is strong and confident, bold and brave, smart and meticulous, patient and kind-hearted. alhamdulillah. they've taught me so much within these few months. to be a better person, to love what i'm doing and be grateful with what i have.

i'm all smiles now.